The Prank War
by Herbal Teaa
Summary: Hell breaks loose in the Headquarters as a full-out prank war erupts between Edward and Roy. “Don’t step up if you can’t keep up.” Roy stated triumphantly at Edward. CRACK! Not a slash.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do NOT nor will I ever own Ed, Roy, or anyone/anything from the FMA series. (Even if I wanted to *depressed*) I'm just using them to put my twisted little plot into play. I am not making any profit out of this.

A/N:

This chapter is dedicated to my lovely beta-reader and best friend Vivi who inspired me to write a crack fic because of all the ones she sent me. : )

Summary: Hell breaks loose in the Headquarters as a full-out prank war erupts between Edward and Roy. "Don't step up if you can't keep up." Roy stated triumphantly at Edward. CRACK! Not a slash.

**Chapter 1:**

It was another lovely day. The birds were chirping, the sun was out; the clouds were neatly placed in the sky to represent the peacefulness of the day.

And then a scream of pain and horror pierced through the headquarters. Every head in the grand, century old building turned in the direction of the highly-respected yet feared Colonel Mustang's office.

Lieutenant Hawkeye busted through the door to the well-known Colonel's office, guns out and ready for an attack. Her eyes widen at the scene before her.

The well-respected Colonel had his head smack in the toilet, retching with a discarded cup of pudding near his hand.

"Sir…What's going on..?" Hawkeye uneasily stated as she stood a distance away from the putrid smell.

Groaning, the Colonel lifted his head high enough to mumble, "What the hell does it look like, Lieutenant?" before sticking his head back in and emptying the contents of his stomach into the bowl of relief.

Hawkeye stepped closer to the Colonel in a slow manner as one would to a frightening animal. The Colonel sensed movement and turned in a swift manner, lifting his head and screaming, "WHO WOULD BE SO CRUEL AS TO SPOIL A PERFECTLY GOOD PUDDING?!"

Panting heavily his eyes landed at the shocked Lieutenant. His eyes narrowed before he picked up the pudding cup and shoved it in her face.

"What does this look like Lieutenant?" He growled out coldly.

"Sir…?"

"What…does it look like Lieutenant?"

"It looks like a cup of chocolate pudding, Sir." Hawkeye uneasily stated while backing away from the Colonel who looked like he was going to explode into sparks of fire.

"Look at this Lieutenant…what does this look like?"

"An expiration date, Sir"

"And when does it expire?" He growled out, shaking.

"It says February 20th 1915, Sir."

"And what day is it today?"

Hawkeye stared at his hands as smoke crept its way around the furious Colonel.

"December 19th 1914, Sir."

"Then what is this crunchy green solid that has crusted over my delectable chocolate pudding?" His tone full of disgust and anger.

Hawkeye smartly remained silent in fear of angering the Colonel further.

Just then in the worst time possible, Lieutenant Havoc strolled in lazily into the office of the dragon.

"Hey Chief, what's up?" He drawled out missing Hawkeyes warning glance.

Something in Roy snapped and he turned to Havoc with a gleam in his eye that Havoc caught too late.

"I'll tell you what's up…" Roy practically spat out before handing him the innocent looking cup of pudding. "Tell me what you see." He glared daggers of ice at the Lieutenant.

Before responding Havoc thought through the choices laid before him. He could A. Answer the question in the most calm way possible or B. Turn around and bolt through the door before the Colonel decided to burn his ass off.

The least painful one seemed to be Choice A. Little did he know that the path you take to run away from your fate leads you closer to it.

"That, good sir, appears to be a chocolate pudding with some mold growing on it." He drawled out lazily while sticking his hands in his pocket. He radiated smugness at choosing the best possible choice.

He laid his eyes on the Colonel who seemed to bow his head slightly so his bangs covered his eyes. In Havoc's eyes, the Colonel seemed pleased with his answer and was thinking about it.

Little did he know that the Colonel was trying to maintain what little control he had over his rage that was bubbling up within his chest.

As if he couldn't possibly make it worse he drawled out, "So, why'd we hear you bellowing, Chief?"

That did it.

All that warned Havoc was a snap of the fingers before he decided to turn heel and run. Little did he know, the Colonel was faster.

Flames erupted form Roy's hands as he lifted his head up to glare at Havoc. He released an almost inhumane-monster like roar as he lit Lieutenant Havoc's uniform on fire.

Flailing wildly, Lieutenant Havoc screamed in pain as he noticed his ass was literally on fire. Running around in circles his eyes landed on the innocent looking toilet.

He ran towards it and shoved his ass in. He released a sigh and relaxed until he noticed a disturbing smell coming from his ass. He moved to the side a little bit and realized he was stuck…in vomit.

He screamed in disgust as he flailed trying to get his ass off the vomit-filled toilet.

The Colonel stepped in deliberate slowness towards his prey as a smirk made its way across his face.

Hawkeye observing from a safe distance couldn't see the Colonel's face, but she did hear an increase of squishing noises coming from the squirming Second Lieutenant. Only when the Colonel was a foot away from Havoc did Hawkeye see it fit to act. She ran to the entrance of the bathroom as the scene revealed itself to her.

Havoc had a look of pure horror on his face while he stared up at the angry Colonel. His face practically screamed, "Oh shit!"

Her eyes turned downward and she noticed with disgust that Havoc's ass was currently stuck in the vomit filled toilet that Roy failed to flush. She forced back her gag reflex then her gaze settled on the rage-filled Colonel who had a look that was a mix of satisfaction and insanity just as a predator would when it cornered its vomit covered prey…

'Ew', Hawkeye responded to her disturbing train of thought.

Just as Roy was about to snap his fingers, Hawkeye yelled, "Sir!" to try to get his attention It stalled him momentarily so she decided to continue. "This is madness, sir."

Bringing his head down he replied in a low voice of resignation, "madness…?"

Havoc looked hopeful and gratefully stared at Hawkeye for stopping Roy from turning him into a roast duck… 'Why duck..?' he thought in a clueless manner.

Roy snapped his head up, "This…WAS…PUDDING!!" before effectively booting Lieutenant Havoc's face into the back wall.

Roy then lifted his fingers up to snap them and turn Havoc into a roasted duck. 'Why duck…?' Roy briefly thought.

"Wait! I have information regarding the pudding scandal!" Havoc rushed to get out as he tried to stop the river of strawberry Kool-aid rushing from his nostrils as a result of the pudding-booting.

Roy stopped in his tracks and glared menacingly at Havoc, silently wishing he would lie to him so he could light him on fire like the pyromaniac he was.

Images of Roy standing upon a flaming toilet victoriously with cups of chocolate pudding bowing to him flitted across Roy's mind.

Havoc noticing that he had Roy's attention rushed, "It was Fullmetal sir! I saw him and Alphonse carrying a box of chocolate pudding the other day. I saw Fullmetal pulling them out of Alphonse's metal armor. I then realized that was the horrible smell that Alphonse had been emitting for days…I thought it was just rust." He rambled on as he squirmed from the Colonel's gaze.

Roy glared angrily at Havoc and calmly said, "Continue, Lieutenant", before he started to rub his two fingers together in a threatening manner.

"I saw them sneak into your office while you were out saying they had a surprise for the 'Bastard Colonel who had a stick lodged up his---'"

"Havoc!" Hawkeye warned him before he could continue his sentence, subtly reminding him of the situation he was in.

Roy stood there in silence as fury overtook him once more.

"DAMN YOU FULLMETAL!" He screamed into the skies.

He turned immediately to a lower officer who stood in the entrance confused and growled out, "Bring me the midget." His eyes promising retribution for the horrendous act that they have committed.

Meanwhile, Edward and Alphonse who heard the shout a mile away snickered deviously as they knew their plan worked.

A/N: Hope you love it! R&R : ) I'll upload faster if I know more people wanna read it XD; Kuddos to those who can figure out where I got the idea from 8D

-Herbal Teaa


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do NOT nor will I ever own Ed, Roy, or anyone/anything from the FMA series. (Even if I wanted to *depressed*) I'm just using them to put my twisted little plot into play. I am not making any profit out of this.

A/N:

This chapter is dedicated to my lovely beta-reader and best friend Vivi who inspired me to write a crack fic because of all the ones she sent me. : )

Summary: Hell breaks loose in the Headquarters as a full-out prank war erupts between Edward and Roy. "Don't step up if you can't keep up." Roy stated triumphantly at Edward. CRACK! Not a slash.

WOW I GOT FIVE REVIEWS? Thank you guys! I'm so happy ^^ Here's Chapter 2!

**Chapter 2**

The officer ran in fear of getting on the bad side of the Colonel. He immediately went to the spot where he knew Edward and Alphonse would be and couldn't find them. Instead he found a note with the Fullmetal's signature scrawled on the top of it. It was addressed to the Colonel.

"Oh, this can't be good", worried that he would get the full anger of the flame alchemist.

He ran all the way back to the Colonel's office and saluted him. "I couldn't find Fullmetal, but I found this instead." He practically threw the note at the Colonel, saluted, and ran as fast as he could.

Roy opened the note with barely restrained anger and read what was on the note.

"You will not be safe Colonel. We will always out-prank you."-Fullmetal

Roy's hand crushed the note and a devious smirk lit his face. Walking back to his desk he mumbled, "So he has his brother as an accomplice."

Turning to Hawkeye he opened his mouth. "I want no part of this, sir." She saluted him and left.

Roy not feeling a bit dejected turned around to look out his window. "Havoc, due to the changes of events, I have decided to spare your life... in return you will have to be my ac---"

Squishing and a loud pop alerted the Colonel, so he turned and the image that he received would forever be engraved in his mind. He saw the vomit-covered ass of Havoc as he ran out the office leaving a trail of Roy's putrid vomit behind him.

Roy cursed silently, but stopped himself as an idea entered his mind. Smirking he dialed the number while speaking out loud, "They didn't call me the Prank King in high school for nothing."

"HellOOoooOoo. You know, Roy, you should think about settling down with a good woman, then you wouldn't be so bored as to call me at this time of day." The voice of Maes Hughes flitted across the line.

"Code Rubber Duck this is Sparky. The shrimp has initiated the war. Prep for retaliation. Over and out." Roy put the phone on the cradle before leaning back into his chair while smirking at the images of his retaliation.

"Yes, sir." Maes said to no one as he smirked while he hung up on the phone. Hughes leaned back as he reminisced over his adolescent years.

He remembered how he met Roy in his sophomore year while Roy was a little freshman. He remembered how they were both bullied by this group of upperclassmen.

Roy came to the school a quiet, reserved child who was always picked on. He was sadly a result of an affair and therefore considered a bastard child by the community. The children instantly realized who he was and started to bully him relentlessly. One day, Maes was strolling by when he saw a little boy against a fence being beaten persistently. Maes being the hero decided to defend Roy by launching at the upperclassmen. He was no match for them, and ended up being beaten with Roy. Eventually they left them alone and that was how Roy and Maes' friendship blossomed.

Ever since then they tag teamed together in order to bring down the terrible bullies of the school. They decided that a head-on attack would be idiotic and that they should strategize their plans, also known as pranking. They pranked them to the point of their insanity. They ended up switching schools and were never heard of again.

From then on, Roy and Maes we're known as the Ultimate Prankers with Roy being the Prank King as it was his devious planning that drove the hated bullies out.

Hughes smirked while shaking his head, "What have you gotten yourself into, Ed?"

End

A/N: Please review : ) Makes me want to continue this story if I know more people want to read it :D 3 Any ideas are welcome! Sorry it's kinda short..but this is a bit of a filler : )


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do **NOT **nor will I ever own Ed, Roy, or anyone/anything from the FMA series. (Even if I wanted to *depressed*) I'm just using them to put my twisted little plot into play. I am not making any profit out of this.

A/N:

This chapter is dedicated to my lovely beta-reader and best friend Vivi who inspired me to write a crack fic because of all the ones she sent me. : )

Sorry for the lateness! Forgive me my faithful readers. School has been hectic! I wrote this a while back but decided to wait. I'll upload this but don't expect an update till after May 7th Hopefully! That's the day of my college freedom 8D! Freshman year is just icky D:

Summary: Hell breaks loose in the Headquarters as a full-out prank war erupts between Edward and Roy. "Don't step up if you can't keep up." Roy stated triumphantly at Edward. CRACK! Not a slash.

**Chapter 3:**

Roy smirked as he came up with a plan with his trusted partner in crime. Hughes mirrored his look and said, "He'll never know what hit him."

"That's the most ingenious plan we've ever come up with…you think he'll agree to help us?"

"Well, he is our secret weapon. It's essential that he helps; willing or not." Hughes answered him while leaning back and placing his feet on the low table.

"Well, we don't need his consent…we can just play with it and see how it turns out…let's hope he falls for the bait." Roy smirked while turning around in his chair and looking out the window, imagining what would happen.

"So," Hughes drawled out, "Who's on our side?"

Roy looked at him then tossed the note to Hughes who caught it with ease. Hughes read it over and chuckled slightly at the sides their staff was taking.

List Includes:

[x]Havoc: Unsure  
[x]Hawkeye: Neutral  
[x]Fuhrer: Not included  
[x]Armstrong: unsuspecting helper  
[x]Fuery: Roy's side  
[x]Breda: Roy's side

"Together, we shall squelch this resistance." Roy commented menacingly.

BREAK:

Edward and Alphonse are walking confidently into the headquarters after their escape.

"Brother, we shouldn't be here…" squeaked Alphonse. "Roy probably wants our heads with the stunt we pulled."

Edward stopped and turned towards his brother. He patted his arm reassuringly, "Nah don't worry about it. What can he do? He's some slave driving old man who can't think one original plan without ordering someone. Most of the staff like us, so…we got nothing to worry about." Edward said cheerfully while he confidently strode along.

Alphonse was starting to get paranoid and his head darted back and forth as if sensing something was wrong.

They didn't even suspect what was coming.

"MY SPIRITED LADS! You decided to suddenly take me up on my offer!" Armstrong bellowed as he appeared out of nowhere looking cleanly shaved with pink sparkles in his aura.

Fear seeped into Edward's soul as he stared up confusedly at Major Armstrong. "What offer?" He feared what the answer would be.

"Such enthusiasm found in a vigorous lad!" He laughed with enthusiasm. "Of course, it's my offer to train you to become a highly respected, lovely man! Don't worry, my workout has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations and hasn't failed us yet! You'll soon become like me."

Armstrong flexed as his shirt spontaneously ripped open showing the world his pulsating muscles as he flexed. "With my 10-hour workout each day for six days a week, you'll have the same integrity of a man as I have. We shall start now to get a head start, but I expect you to be at my office at 5 AM every day so that we can enjoy the spirit of the lovely gym."

"What?" Squeaked Edward as he stared wide-eyed at the sparkly, flamboyant, unusually large man.

He laughed as though the funniest joke spewed from Edward's mouth. "Such spirit in a young lad aspiring to be like his role-model!" Armstrong charismatically responded while flexing his muscles in a pleased manner. "My muscles have taken a liking to you Edward. So let's be off!"

That was the last warning Edward received before being hauled unceremoniously towards the gym. The surrounding officers in their offices peaked out to see a flying Edward screaming bloody murder, while a tin can was running after them shouting, "Brother!"

Down the hall, mischievous smirks were plastered upon the faces of Colonel Mustang and his partner in crime, Lieutenant Colonel Hughes. They both started to snicker evilly about their plan to enroll Edward in the most vigorous workout of his life.

"That forged note that you so perfectly wrote was ingenious." Hughes praised Mustang.

"I know…and now…we wait to see what their next move will be." Roy said leaning his head on his crossed arms.

"You mean he's going to retaliate against that? You practically destroyed him! If he's smart, Ed would just quit while has the chance..." Hughes remarked doubtfully towards his long-time friend.

"That's just it…Fullmetal isn't smart." Roy said while he gazed at his papers. 'Damn I got a lot of paperwork to do…' he thought with disdain. 'Oh well, I guess I'll just wait until Edward makes his move…I'm curious to see how he'll top my prank…' He thought deviously while starting on the mountains of destroyed trees littered upon his desk.

"What will you do now, Fullmetal?"

END~!

-Herbal Teaa

**TBC**

**A/N: I received reviews asking me where I got the pudding idea from Go to Youtube and search: **TRAVIS WILLINGHAM - PUDDING STORY. You will know where it's from : )

Read and Review


	4. AN Update

Author's Note:

Hey guys! Sorry I haven't updated this in such a long time. I wanted you to know that I have not completely abandoned this story. It's still in my thoughts and I did plan the chapters that are to follow. I am double majoring in a Science and Art field, so my time is pretty much booked. I also work and volunteer (teach a class and attend events), so I am pretty much booked. Life is just so busy right now, but I am willing to finish this story. It might take a while, but I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can. Yeah I hate author's notes too, but I felt like you guys needed to know this. I will take this down when I update Chapter 4. I have big plans for the next chapters! More humor to ensue! Also, feel free to send me messages on what sort of pranks you wish to see!

Hint on the next chapter: Snow.

Lots of love,

Herbal Teaa


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